My life in headlines, 2016

Ever have one of those moments in life where you pause and think, “If this situation continues, I’m going to end up on the news”? You know, like when you are stuck in a traffic jam and feel like you are about to completely lose it and run out of your car and stand in the median screaming? I often have those moments as a parent.

As the new year is upon us, everyone will be making resolutions about how to improve themselves. I’m not big on year-beginning promises, though. Instead, I thought it would be more fun but still a valuable exercise to imagine the headlines that could happen to my family and me in the coming 365 days. In a way, coming up with these scenarios is a good reminder of my goals for 2016.

“Youngest streaker ever puts on show during Carolina Panthers playoff game”

I can see it now: Security guards chasing her as she could-go-all-the-way from end zone to end zone wearing nothing but a smile. Millions of viewers across the country will watch in horror as she plows into Cam Newton, who uses his throwing arm to break his fall, thus ending his season. (She may be small, but I promise you that girl could take down a professional football player. She’s a real bruiser.)

Reminder: Must get my 2-year-old’s naked time under control.

“Boy denied admittance to school due to lack of vaccinations”

I’m not anti-vaccinations (and I don’t care what other people do, either). My children have (most of) their shots, but we are totally behind schedule. I’m THAT PARENT who cannot remember to pick up the phone, call the pediatrician and schedule a check-up. Making matters worse, we recently received a letter from the kids’ doctor’s office saying they dropped our insurance, so now I have to find a new doctor and explain to him or her why I have zero idea which shots my kids have had and when they had them. Or what their names and birthdays are. Or why my hair hasn’t been washed in a week …

Reminder: Must remember to make doctor’s appointments on-time.

“Expired prescription pills foil mother’s planned escape to Mexico”

Ugh, they would detain me at the airport and my husband would have to come get me with that look on his face like, “Really, Kate? REALLY?” Look, I’m not a pill-popper, and I’m not really down with abandoning my children. But I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered heading way, way south with my bathing suit, a book and the Valium I have leftover from my adventure with kidney stones. Sometimes, daydreaming about being somewhere far, far away is the only thing that helps.

Reminder: Breathe. Just breathe.

“Family road trip turns into nightmare when electronic devices die”

“What started as a family vacation to the beach ended in a roadside standoff with police officers. En route to South Carolina, the family’s 5- and 2-year-old children went, to use a technical term, freaking bonkers when their iPads and handheld gaming devices lost power. The light SUV veered off the road and the parents fled the vehicle for their own safety. Passersby called law enforcement when the children began threatening Armageddon-style destruction unless someone could fix the devices, and I quote, ‘RIGHT. NOW.’ Police took the children into custody on charges of acting super spoiled and bratty.”

Reminder: Be prepared for anything.

So, I guess you could say my resolution for 2016 is to avoid these situations at all costs. Beware, however, that you may still see a tiny tushy on TV during the Panthers game, because that girl is hell-bent on her naked time.

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