I’m so over the mommy dating game. What’s the mommy dating game, you ask? Why, it’s this awful experiment in social awkwardness that nearly always results in a disaster because you didn’t find out enough about each other before agreeing to get together. You think you’re compatible because you met at the pool and share the same sentiment about how hard it is to chase after a couple of kids. Then you go on a play date at which she casually says something racist, and you’re like, “Well, this sucks.”
The solution is simple: I’m going to start an online mommy dating service. Maybe I’ll call it Play Dating. Or Stretch Mark Sisters. Or OurTimeOut.com.
Whatever. I’ll figure out the name later. The point is, we need a place where mommies can check out other mommies ahead of time and get a clear picture of who is cool and who is going to be mind-numbingly bland. On this site, you can seek out a random play date or look for a lifelong bestie. No playing games, no coy profiles. We’re too old and tired to try to impress each other anymore.
I have already put together my mommy dating profile, because I’m an overachiever (must remember to include that about myself):
Blurb about me: I put the “oooo” in “saggy boobs”
Seeking: Mommies in their 30s who don’t mind the F word and agree that Caillou is a total dick
Within: A PBS-show-length of time from my house
Relationship: Married to a great man who occasionally does and says asinine things about which I need to vent sometimes
Kids: Two cherubs who dress up as monsters on occasion, ages 2 and 4
Body type: Athletic with stretch marks and a legal but happy blood alcohol concentration whenever it’s safe to do so
Faith: I’m cool with your beliefs if you’re cool with mine and don’t try to “save” me or make me uncomfortable by talking about Jesus the entire play date.
Politics: I’m like, Bill Maher liberal. So a Rush Limbaugh conservative and I probably wouldn’t jive well. But I won’t rule it out.
Drink: Now? Yes, I’d like a drink now. Yes, I do realize it’s 11 a.m.
Her idea of a great play date: Kids upstairs, adults downstairs
Likes: Exercise, Tina Fey, homemade popcorn, respectful political incorrectness, dogs, dark chocolate, outdoor activities, vegetables and the occasional Netflix binge
Dislikes: Poor grammar, guns, the Steelers, pineapple and people who don’t appreciate cheese
More about me:
I think my kids are awesome, but I don’t put them on a pedestal. I eat organic when possible but have definitely been at a drive through in the past month. I own essential oils and bleach. I once tried to use herbs to treat an issue my son had and immediately regretted it and went to the doctor for a prescription.
I need to be able to go to a play date looking like I just survived a tour in the Middle East, and I need the mommy greeting me at the door to be like, “I totally get it. Here’s a mimosa.” In return, I will welcome you into my half-clean, half-dog-hair-decorated home and have a really amazing cheese plate waiting for you along with sarcastic remarks that will either make you laugh or make you feel better about your parenting skills.
Bonus points if any of the following is true:
- Your kids never sleep, either.
- You like talking about current events and other topics that have NOTHING to do with children.
- You won’t give me the side eye when you see me feed my kids something sugary and GMO
- You think that a girls’ night would be awesome but understand that when the time for it rolls around if I’m just like, “Dude, I’m tired.”
If you agree that kids can be assholes and wine solves problems, then this friendship might work. Holler.