Step 1: Take out pictures of your children when they were babies.
Remind him of how amazing the kids were when they were teeny tiny. Your husband wasn’t at all terrified of holding the baby/dropping the baby/accidentally breaking the baby while getting it dressed. Recount stories of how you never had to wake up repeatedly in the middle of the night to a child who was screaming for seemingly no reason. Laugh together as you see pictures of the baby in outfits that were unsalvageable after diaper explosions – those days were so much fun!
Step 2: Take out pictures of yourself when you were pregnant.
Remember how smokin’ hot you were as a prego? That big belly, those sexy stretch marks, the spider veins? Your husband needs a reminder of just how totally breathtaking pregnant women are. Grab those pictures from the baby shower where you wore that super unflattering dress and every picture was taken at an angle that really captured your double chin and thick, sweaty arms. And we all know that on those super gas-y nights, he never wanted you more.
Step 3: Inventory everything you already have to show him how inexpensive a new baby would be.
The plastic sippy cups, old pacifiers and stained onesies are here to stay! A new baby doesn’t need new clothes; you can just dress him or her in hand-me-downs that are gross-looking and smell like old milk. Who needs room in the cupboards when you can have rows and rows of kid-friendly dishware and supplies for making homemade baby food?
Step 4: Entice him with memories of … you know …
It was so easy to have intimate moments after a baby came along. In fact, your husband probably bragged all the time to his friends without kids about how often the two of you were having adult time. And if he thought you were sexy pregnant, boy, did he love your post-baby body! Engorged, leaking breasts, a stomach that looked like a deflated balloon – who could resist?
Step 5: Point out how easy your life is right now.
If you have at least one kid, then you already know that parenting is SUPER easy. Kids basically take care of themselves. You are always on time for your meetings and your clothes never have evidence of your child’s breakfast, right? Your co-workers absolutely love that you have to reschedule appointments at the last minute. Leaving the house is totally uncomplicated and there are never any tears involved. And it’s not like your sleeping patterns have been disrupted at all.
Step 6: Offer proof that having one more child wouldn’t really be THAT much different.
What’s one more? It just means one more sweet little face asking you nicely to play dinosaurs for the five millionth time. It just means one more cute little tushy that needs to be gently wiped. It just means one more chubby little hand smacking you in the face to wake you up two hours before your alarm. No biggie!
Step 7: Get really, really drunk and yell at him.
What husband doesn’t love a wife who is slurring her words and hurling insults along with dinner? Your struggles with persuading him to procreate will be long gone after drinking a bottle of wine and letting the whole restaurant know that you want another baby NOW. Work in some good hand gestures and slanted evil-eye glares when possible. Hopefully there will be another couple there to witness everything.
Step 8: Cut a hole in the condom/”forget” your birth control.