Step One: Assume the Worst
If your child has tripped over his own two feet or run into the wall (again) or bonked his head on a table, he will nearly always need emergency medical attention. You can simply call 911 right away and go down to step seven, or, you can gamble with your own life and move on to step two.
Step Two: Discussion
If you are foolish enough to attempt to do this yourself, you can try to ask your wailing toddler where it hurts and spend a solid 10 minutes trying to decipher wailing. Or, you can be smart, take a wild guess as to where the injury is and move on to the next logical step.
Step Three: Inspection
Next, you will need to examine a perfectly normal-looking area that your child insists has been broken or impaled. Look very, very hard, because if there is no gushing blood – a sure sign that you should just run away from the situation and treat yourself to a mani-pedi for even surviving steps one and two – then you will need to pretend that something is truly wrong with the child and start acting like you know what the hell you are doing.
Step Four: Bandage Selection
This is the MOST CRUCIAL step of any in this equation. Proper bandaging all comes down to which character your child feels like staring at for the next hour until the bandage falls off/gets wet/is forcibly removed. Present your child with an array of options. Here are some popular choices:
- A bandage with any kids’ television character whose voice makes you want to pull out every strand of your hair.
If you even think about putting a flesh-colored or God-awful “transparent” bandage on your child, you should recognize that you are clearly not suited for this, and you should return to step one and just call 911 to let the pros deal with it.
Step Five: Bandage Application
Don’t overthink it. Just slap the thing on your kid in an area remotely close to where the boo-boo is. Don’t give a thought to if you can see the cartoon character’s face. Don’t even worry about if you got the right finger. Do it fast and run away. If that works, move on to step seven. If it doesn’t, punch yourself in the face for being so naïve and move on to step six.
Step Six: Bandage Re-Application
Because you are a terrible, awful parent who clearly does not hold a medical degree and understand toddler bandage application, you will now have to do the entire process over, only much slower and with much more attention to detail. Ask your child to show you where it hurts. Instruct him to keep his finger pointed to the EXACT spot until the bandage is in place – even if that means bandaging the child’s finger to the injury. Be prepared to re-position it, as boo-boos often magically transport themselves all over toddler bodies. Doctors still do not understand how this happens, so don’t beat yourself up too badly. All the while, keep in mind that you an idiot for trying to do this yourself.
Step Seven: Post-Bandaging Considerations
Do not – I repeat – DO NOT leave your house without having any fewer than 15 exact replicas of the bandage you have placed on your child. When the bandage inevitably falls off/gets wet/is forcibly removed, your child will want the exact same one placed back on the injury (which by now, if you recall, likely moved to a new appendage). He will scream when you offer a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wrap instead of a Batman one. He will make you look like a damn fool while you are standing in line at the grocery store because you left the house with fewer than 15 exact replicas of the bandage you had placed on him earlier.
Doing the job well means you get a bandage on as quickly as possible with as few tears as necessary. That is why you should really just follow step one and call 911, because the cost of an ambulance is totally worth sparing yourself the chaos of trying to bandage your child alone.