And … forgotten

I think too many parents who are out of the stage I am in have forgotten what it’s like to have little kids.

Need proof?

Here are 25 things parents of older children have said that prove my point:

  1. “You have no problem driving 450 miles to visit us, right?” (Sure, let me just throw the kids in the car at any random time of day with zero preparation and we’ll sing “Kumbaya” the whole way.)
  2. “Well, clearly your child needs to be put in ‘time out’ more, that should solve those tantrums.” (Thank goodness you cleared that up for me.)
  3. “What in the world are you feeding him? That diaper was horrendous.” (Wait, you mean diapers are supposed to be pleasant?)
  4. “Oh, so she skips a nap, big deal. She can just fall asleep in the car on the way home and it’s the same thing, right?” (Your parenting license should be revoked.)
  5. “Sounds like you and your husband need a date night. Just leave the kids with a total stranger. Back in the day, we could do that and it was totally safe.” (Cool, I’ll just leave them in a basket on someone’s doorstep, nbd.)
  6. “Getting a child to sleep is easy. Just put her in the crib and walk away.” (“Sleep” and “easy” do not belong anywhere near each other in my presence unless you want to deal with the fury of a woman who hasn’t seen eight hours in years.)
  7. “You just don’t discipline him enough. That’s why he runs around like that.” (Right. Definitely doesn’t run around because he’s a little kid and full of energy.)
  8. “You complain about parenting too much. It’s not that bad.” (Die.)
  9. “When you say you need ‘mommy time,’ it makes you sound selfish.” (When you say that, it makes you sound like you want me to punch you.)
  10. “He rubbed a dirty diaper all over the carpet again? You need to put a stop to that.” (Good idea. I won’t ever leave his side, and the baby can wander around the house alone in her seemingly endless search for sharp things/small things/toxic things.)
  11. “You look tired. Why are you tired all the time?” (I actually thought I looked great today, but thanks for that.)
  12. “What is going on with your hair?” (Uh-oh, Play-Doh again? No? It’s just greasy, matted and un-brushed? I call that a win.)
  13. “You can spend hundreds of dollars to take a trip with us, right?” (Yeah, my kids don’t need to go to college.)
  14. “It’ll be great! We’ll get hotel rooms. You are cool with sleeping in the same room as your kids for a week straight, right?” (Sleeping?)
  15. “Why is she fussing so much?” (Because she’s a baby.)
  16. “Why does he spit up so much?” (Because he’s a baby.)
  17. “Why does he obsess over that toy?” (Because he’s a baby.)
  18. “Why is she always putting food in her hair?” (Because she’s a baby.)
  19. “Wow, your floors USED to really shine … what happened?” (I vomited all over them because talking to you makes me sick.)
  20. “You know, you really shouldn’t let the kids draw on the walls.” (Damn, I was thought I was starting a new, artsy trend.)
  21. “We don’t eat dinner until 7 p.m., but I’m sure you guys don’t care.” (WE don’t necessarily care, but my kids will probably murder you and eat you before you ever make it to 7.)
  22. “My kids never acted like that.” (Yes, they did.)
  23. “No, really, my kids would have NEVER done that.” (Then you got lucky.)
  24. “No, it wasn’t luck, I just knew how to handle them.” (No, it was luck, and suggesting otherwise makes me feel like a bad parent.)
  25. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just saying … your kids are just … well, they’re just …” (Kids! They are kids! I have young kids and it’s tough and I’m tired and the house is always dirty and this is just life when you have little kids. Congratulations on your perfect existence; I hope your grandchildren hate you.)

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