My life as of late is a daily experiment in how much projectile body fluid a person can emit/clean up.
All three of us caught a bug. Actually, it’s like an eight-legged, hundred-eyed furry arachnid that has sunk its teeth into our family for the last week, leaving us weak, pale and a little scared.
Monster has weathered the sickness the best despite having the most issues. He really embodied the “puke and rally” mentality, going from barfing to babbling in just moments, while mom and dad moaned in a sore, sorry heap on the couch.
If there is a silver lining to this raincloud, it surely was squeezed from a yellow tube of Butt Paste.
Oh Butt Paste, how you amaze me. Monster’s teeny tushy was so red and chapped he squirmed and squealed at every diaper change. With just a few smears of the Butt Paste, we had that beautiful baby bum back to normal.
As I lay in my bed this week, lips chapped, stomach in knots, muscles aching from my own heaving, my half-delirious mind floated into the nursery and cozied up to the Butt Paste. I found solace in the familiar aroma that covered my hands every morning and night. I curled my body around the Butt Paste and a slow, sly smile crept over my face: If the Butt Paste could work miracles on the nastiest diaper rash, what else could it do?
I pictured the Butt Paste eliminating the blisters on my toes and the scars on my knees. I watched it smooth my still-stretched-from-pregnancy stomach. I imagined it bringing the shine back to my hair.
Then I lent the Butt Paste to those who needed it. I saw it healing soldiers’ wounds. It developed a health care plan both sides of the aisle supported. It calmed the uprisings in the Middle East. It plugged the ozone. I envisioned children cured of hunger (from eating the Butt Paste? I don’t know – remember, I was insane with a stomach bug).
Look, it’s easy to elevate the Butt Paste into an all-powerful healing agent that can cure AIDS, help the lame walk and the blind see.
When you are cloaked in someone else’s vomit and diarrhea, standing in the shower while that someone else clings to you in fear because half their insides were just forcefully ejected, and your hands feel a blistery bum and you know that a semi-solid solution for even the tiniest of your problems is just down the hall on the changing table, it’s very hard not to think that perhaps god shimself has sprinkled magic healing powers into that little yellow tube.
I imagine I will be equally grateful for other products as my adventure in parenting continues. And hopefully some of them can translate into grown-up solutions.
That said, tune in next week when I experiement with Butt Paste on adult acne.