Sometimes we put the “ew” in “beautiful”

While getting ready for a date one evening, I turned to David, all dressed up and ready to go, and I asked if he thought I wore too much makeup.

“You don’t wear enough,” he quickly replied with a straight face before walking out of the room.

We’re not exactly the mushy couple next door. Throw a kid into the mix and this happens:

David: What do you want to do tonight?
Kate: I don’t know. Monster went to bed so early that we have the whole night ahead of us.
David (with a sly smile): Want to watch an adult movie?
Kate (burned out on Baby Einstein and “Toy Story”): You mean like “Inception”?

My husband is an amazing man with a patience that knows no bounds (and for the record, he does not watch adult movies). He always makes an effort to tell me I look nice. Well, that’s a polite way of saying it. Sometimes he merely pats my rear and says, “Nice.”

I’m not complaining.

Nor am I judging. I am just as much to blame for a lack of any kind of intimacy. Times when David gets excited to talk about something are few and far between, so you’d think I would humor him once in a while:

David: Hey, do you have a minute to talk?
Kate: Of course.
David: I am so pumped to play Bean on College Football (video game) tonight.
Kate: Hmmm.
David: His quarterback just de-committed –
Kate: I don’t care.
David: And decided to come to my team –
Kate: Seriously don’t care.
David: But he’s going to be my tight end –
Kate: Not even listening.
David: And he’s 6’7” 280!
Kate: That was painful.

Let’s face it: Once a kid comes into the picture, that first, central relationship – the one between husband and wife – takes a backseat. Not even a backseat. It’s clinging to the bike rack that is hooked to the trunk, which was left open because the baby was screaming in the car seat and you just wanted to get the car moving.

You have to make an effort to do more than just make a marriage “work” – you have to make a marriage happy. Some days, I’m so exhausted from our routine that I go to bed realizing that the only things David and I talked about revolved around the baby.

Other days, I realize I haven’t kissed my husband in a week.

We started trying to plan our alone time to make the most of it.

About a month ago, David and I were very much looking forward to a Saturday evening. We didn’t have anything out of the ordinary planned, besides promising we wouldn’t turn on the TV or the computer or the cell phones once Monster went to bed.

I envisioned fixing my hair, putting on something not-momma-like (read: not covered in food) and curling up next to my husband on the couch with a glass of wine in front of the fireplace.

Then, during his Saturday evening bubble bath, Monster went to the bathroom in the tub.

Not Number One.

Something about fishing for fecal matter is a huge turnoff. By the time the baby was re-bathed and the tub and surrounding area was bleached and momma was scrubbed … well, adult night just wasn’t happening.

I don’t have the solution. We just need to keep trying.

And maybe don’t let Monster get so relaxed in the tub next time.

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