Are you a member of the Hot Mess Club?

I’m pretty thrilled that there is a movie coming out all about mothers who are a hot mess. Thank you, Hollywood, for normalizing the human element of motherhood. “Bad Moms,” which will hit theatres not soon enough in July, seems to tell the story of several women who have just had it with trying to be perfect.

I assumed we had all reached that point, though apparently there are some women out there who are not disasters. In case you aren’t sure of which side of the rainbow chalk line you fall, here’s a few indications that you are, indeed, a hot mess mother:

1. You aren’t sure which is more of a nightmare: your car, or your home.

Yeah, it might look like my home is organized, but don’t open the closets or look under furniture. Also, try to ignore the crayon on the wall that has been there for months, not because I can’t get it off, but because I haven’t even tried. Not once. The car is equally as terrifying, with old French fries somehow stuck to the mats and weird stains by the kids’ car seats.

2. You are always behind.

I cannot catch up. There is always something I have forgotten, like shipping a baby shower present to a friend whose out-of-town shower was a month ago. I made an eye appointment for my son and totally spaced on it. We just kept on playing Legos like there was nothing better to do.

3. You are in awe of people who appear to have it together.

If I walk into a home with children and it is clean – like, pristine – I’m starstruck. I’m pretty sure I would handle meeting Jennifer Aniston better than I handle being in a super tidy house. I wander the hallways with my mouth open and say dumb stuff like, “How do you keep the fronts of your cabinets so shiny?” or “You have GOT to tell me your secret for folding laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer.”

4. You loathe when you have “outings.”

Hard truth: I roll my eyes when we have something on the calendar. Sure, spending all day at a park for a kid’s birthday party may sound great at first, but when that day comes around, I’m dreading it. I need that day to do stuff like clean, pay bills and finally figure out why the washing machine smells funky. Or, maybe I just want to do nothing. Doing things is just THE WORST.

5. You have left the house with two different shoes on.

I know more than one mother who has done this. It secretly makes me really happy.

6. You have an extra set of clothes in the car – for yourself.

A rookie hot mess mother probably won’t do this, because a hot mess mother is often one who spills her coffee on her shirt or has spit up on her shoulder and just soldiers through the day accordingly. We veteran hot messes have learned to plan for the worst and put an extra shirt in the car/the purse/the stroller.

… Though that shirt is always one that clashes with the pants we have on, or it no longer fits, or it is equally as dirty as the shirt we just ruined.

7. You make it through a day and realize you haven’t eaten.

Why do I feel so tired? So hungry? Oh, right, I had half a Pop Tart at breakfast and six cups of coffee and nada else.

8. You have learned to laugh at yourself/your life/your failures.

To be in the Hot Mess Club, you need to have a sense of humor about yourself. You’ll never make it through parenting if you can’t.

The truth is, we are all disasters, whether it is out in the open like the crumbs that cover my floor or tucked away like the crumbs I swept into the closet. Share it, laugh about it, and go have some wine with your hot mess friends. I know I will.

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